My former self is a shadow of my current self, which will be a shadow of my latter self.

Note: This post is really long, and to save you the inconvenience of reading through it, and then discovering you aren't really that interested and that you've wasted your time, the gist of it is that Raymond met a girl, broke-up with said girl, and has changed significantly since. How, in what ways, who, what, huh? Read on.

The date 25th of July is significant to me for 2 reasons. Firstly, it's my father's birthday (happy birthday dad!), and secondly, and this will come a surprise to some, it was the beginning of my first relationship. Without a doubt, my dad's birthday is a very special event, but the latter was just life-changing, especially to me who hasn't had much...of a life (sad, I know).

Prior to July 25th, the two of us have been corresponding much, over MSN, over the phone, and we even met up once or twice to just talk. At first it was awkweird, but I guess being 16, everything was bound to be that way. It was Hawker who pushed me to her, or her to me, whatever, but she added me on MSN, and things just happened from there.

On July 25th, she was at Esplanade, hanging with two of her friends, who were a couple, I think. On my side, I was at home, supposedly studying for my O-levels, but actually working out on my swiss ball (no joke). We were messaging too, and the messages culminated into me showering and hauling-ass to Esplanade, because she was kinda sian-ed there. I remember rushing through everything; the shower, the waxing, the choosing of clothes, because I wanted to get there soon, so as not to keep her waiting. There was this nervous energy within me because I knew something special was going to happen.

I could have taken one of two buses to get to Esplanade, but, again, I went the extra mile by taking a taxi. "The extra mile" seems like a recurrent issue in our relationship, because that's how far I always went, or at the very least, tried to go. It was before 7 too, so there was the surcharge...So anyways, I arrived at Esplanade, and she was at the rooftop, so I climbed up there, rushing through the escalators two steps at a time. At the rooftop, the wind stung. After a bit of walking around, I saw her...I can't remember just how I felt, but I can...taste it? Sweet, tangy, spicy, all-around superb.

So I sat there, and she was there beside me, and we talked plenty, and it still felt awkward for me, but maybe that's because I just had some weird-ass hair-cut a few days before and it was stinking ughleh. So anyways, we listened to music: High School Musical, which is corny, I know, but it was all the rage at the time, and just so you know, I watched it before it was ever released in Singapore (I blogged about it!), so I'm a pioneer. And then we sang, and that was the first time I found out my voice sucked, because she sorta shhh-ed me out. If you're reading this, you're voice ain't that great either...nah, just kidding.

You know how guys never make a move because they don't want to affect things? Don't want to cross the line? Don't want to ruin the equilibrium? I was one of those guys, but then, I thought that I didn't want to stay that way when we could be having so much more. So, in a corny fashion I think I saw in some movie, I was like..."What are we?", and then she was like..."Close-ish friends,", or something, and then I went "Do you want to?" and she nodded her head. And then she placed her hand on mine. And as we walked down Esplanade, we were as close as could be.

We made an agreement not to tell anyone yet, but eventually, everyone knew, I think. I told Yan Shan the very next day, and then some other people, and she didn't scold me for it. My classmates knew, my friends knew, her classmates knew, her friends knew and even the teachers knew, and I felt safe in their knowledge, safe that it wasn't all going to disappear in one fell swoop (which it did, eventually).

We went out so often back then, to Tiong, to Suntec, to Marina, to Bugis, to Bukit Merah Library to mug, and other places (though we were never a fan of Orchard). She made me forget, and miss my friends' birthdays. I forgot Glen Wirawan's one...we were supposed to go out, and he called me, but I was with her...I hadn't learned the saying "Bros before hoes," yet, and no, I'm not implying anyone is a hoe, nor am I implying anyone is a hoe.

I was extremely happy then. Not that I wasn't happy in the Prefectorial Board, in the Drama Club (and all our shit-ass crazy shit), in the Debate Team (and again, all our retarded stuff), amongst my friends, and in class...I was, for the first time in my life, being loved, and loving back. There's no better feeling, and at the end of the day, to me, what was more important was having someone you could love with all your heart, rather than being loved, which was why I held on for so long, I think.

So yes, we spent a lot of time with each other, through my Os, through the holidays, and then she left for a holiday to Taiwan, which I guess was the turning point of this whole...happiness thing. She sorta e-mailed me saying she met some guy (let's call him Davin) who she's being friendly with, and she told me it wasn't going to be anything, but seriously, if you e-mail me about a guy, and you have to assure me that nothing's going to be happening, I'm going to be a wreck. And man, was I a wreck. I wrote this horrible love song/poem/letter which I think my mum read. And it had those dried tear drops on it...man.

So she comes back, and I wanted to fetch her at the airport, but she wouldn't let me, and then I wanted to meet her downstairs from her place (I was at Yan Shan's house then) but she wouldn't let me. She had left a part of her in Taiwan, wherever the hell that is, and that part of her was the part which cared about me, that was what I thought.

I was flying off to Pakistan in a few days, for three weeks (holy shit that's long), and yeah...if I didn't do anything, things were going to get worse for us, right? So after much talking, and talking, we eventually met again, and we were happy, but not pre-Taiwan happy, but still, couple-y happy. When I finally flew off to Pakistan, she was there with me at the airport, and she gave me something special...and I...didn't...that, combined with me being away for so long...there goes the balance! Ball's on her side of the court, permanently!

So I was in Pakistan looking for Osama Bin Laden, and she was in Singapore being miserable. She even asked for my permission to go out with Davin (refer to earlier paragraph), and I let her, and it turned out horrible, because compared to me...meh. So yeah, she was bored, and she wanted me to come back, but I couldn't, and when I finally came back, some things happened which made everything so much worse...sigh.

Our relationship died after that holidays. We both went to different schools now, which made everything harder. I was trying to make something of myself in AC, and she was holding me back, and I let her, and on her side, she was having fun, and being herself. I remember going out with her after school, and even skipping lectures to leave school earlier. Like I said, the ball was on her court, and she had much control over me...and it was horrible, but I didn't want to let go, in a way.

So eventually, things fizzled out. There were happy times, like Chinese New Year, and just hanging out...and there was my birthday too, though on hindsight, I've a feeling she was simply waiting for it to pass, because she broke up with me several days after.

It wasn't an official break-up, and there were many loose ends. We were at Harbour Front, and then we were on our way home, and when usually I take the same bus as her, she didn't let me. I felt that things were falling apart before, and I felt that if I didn't take that bus with her, things would fall apart. After much protest, she boarded the bus alone. I sent her this long message about how I knew something was wrong, and she sent me this short message: No, everything's fine.

And just like that, she wouldn't pick up my calls, reply to my messages and respond to me on MSN. When I asked her friend what was happening, it seemed that we had broken up, in a way.

And that was it. I tried to move away from her, but I found myself coming back at times, to her, to messaging her and shit, never getting a reply. I saw her when I came back to help out in Drama (or is it I came back to help out in drama to see her), but we never really acknowledged each other's presence. Eventually, I blocked her of MSN and deleted her. I took out the photos too, they had to go.

I immersed myself in AC: I joined Council, I ran for Line-in Presidency, I was a more active member of Debate. I hung out with my AC friends more, especially my class. And I'm so much better for it, I think. I tackled AC-life with much gusto, drowning myself in Orientation, AC's Got Talent and what not, and I'm so much better for it. Also, I've had several crushes since, but nothing more...sadly, but yeah, I'm an eternal optimist, so things will happen, and if not, I'll make it happen.

Whereas before, I was this needy, pathetic, dependent boyfriend, I'm more of a...I don't know...force of nature? Like my friends described me, I'm like this gas molecule, who keeps colliding and moving around, in a space of his own, only settling down at the right temperature and pressure. Wait a minute, maybe that was how I was before I met her, and she was the right temperature and pressure, or something like that. My secondary school english teacher was pairing up people once, so that they can work together to improve their english, and then when it came to me, my teacher said I didn't really need anyone, and I'm like a lone wolf: this made me happy and sad at the same time.

I guess at the end of the day, I'm still thankful for what had happened, and I have changed alot because of what had happened, and in my next relationship, whenever it will come, I will handle it much differently, expertly in fact, because I am different now: I am a man. Not just any man, but a man of council, a man of AC, a man of life.

So yeah, I'm a different person know, and this post is to sorta just say that I've moved on, like really really. I've always been a fan of ceremonies, and I wanted this out on the 25th, to mark the date, but due to circumstances, it could only be out this morning. Thanks for reading this all the way until the end. Will there be another continuation to this "feelings and shit" saga? I hope so, and I want to write about love again, and how it turns my inside into jello.

Thanks to Jeremy, Hawker, Yan Shan, Glen Wirawan, my mum, and all the others who helped me along the way. Thanks also to my AC friends, specifically the PR people, Councilors, classmates, and people who have made my life better. Oh, and thanks to Delise, you were the best.

But then again, the best is yet to be.

PS: I won't be updating in awhile because of my Prelims, and A's. Look-out for my facebook and msn, where I'll put up a notice.